


These Pains Which Are Withheld From Me

by flashwitch



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, JARVIS and the bots, Mention of attempted suicide, PTSD, Team as Family, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, reporters are often mean and not mild mannered at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-10 23:03:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashwitch/pseuds/flashwitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is being interviewed by a reporter and she brings up something sensitive from his past. He handles it well enough but he really dreads having to face the others. He's terrified. But he really shouldn't be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Pains Which Are Withheld From Me

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a quote from the song 'Suicide is Painless', AKA the M*A*S*H* song, which also features someone called Hawkeye. Not really relevant, just fun. 
> 
> Written Pre-Iron Man 3 so no spoilers.

 

Tony Stark smiled his press smile and tried not to take the questions personally. She’d brought up his drinking (he’d cut back since a few months after Afghanistan, after he’d hit rock bottom). His drug habit (he’d been clean for years). His alleged terrorist connections (come on! He’d been kidnapped!). She’d asked if he’d just bought a place of the team of heroes. If he saw himself as equal to American Icon: Captain America. If he deserved to be on the team. She brought up his father. Basically, it was interview hell. Then, when she’d finally moved back to the safe topics, the ones they’d discussed before the interview started (clean energy, Stark Industries, the Maria Stark Foundation), this happened:

“And do you think it’s a good idea to have someone who is suicidal on the team? How can you watch your teammates’ backs if you don’t care if you live or die?”

“Excuse me? I don’t know where you get your information, but-“

“You overdosed when you were seventeen. And again at nineteen.” She grinned sharply, going for his throat. “Not to mention the diagnosis of PTSD after your experience in Afghanistan, a condition which you still refuse to get help for.”

“Those overdoses were accidental. And I am completely clean now.”

“People who have accidental overdoses don’t leave notes.”

“What?” That was... no one was supposed to know about that.

“Do you deny that you left a note when you were seventeen?”

“I...Yes. I do deny that. Because it’s not true.”

“Really? Because our source within Stark Industries says it’s common knowledge.”

“Your source? Please!”

“You’re denying that you’ve attempted suicide?” She smiled again, all sharp edges. “Why, just about a year ago, we all watched you ride a nuclear warhead to your supposed doom. Doesn’t seem much like you want to live.”

“That’s a completely different thing, and you know it. It was the only way to save the city.”

“So you say. But we have to wonder, knowing that you have tried to kill yourself, that you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and possibly depression, whether or not it’s responsible of you to remain on the team.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” He grabbed at his mic, ready to walk off (which he hadn’t done since he was twenty two years old and the interviewer had asked him if he thought he deserved his father’s company, since he was just a spoiled little rich kid who hadn’t worked a day in his life. He hadn’t even walked off when he was accused of being a terrorist after his extended stay in the desert).

“Well, that’s all we’ve got time for; it was great having you on the show.” She held out her hand and he played nice and shook it. He didn’t even squeeze it as hard as he wanted to.

 

 

* * *

 

Tony stormed into the Tower, talking on his phone. He wasn’t surprised to find the whole team waiting for him on the communal floor and he held up a finger to ask them to wait.

“I don’t care, Pepper. I want to know where she’s getting her information and I want it stopped.”He hung up, took a deep breath, and then turned to face the group. “So I take it you were all watching?”

“Yes,” Steve replied. He looked angry and Tony braced himself for a string of recriminations. “She had no right to ambush you like that.”

“What?” That was...not what he’d been expecting.

“Her blindsiding you like that, especially about something that happened years ago, that’s not cool.” Clint put in.

“Don’t you want to ask me if it’s true?” That’s all he’d been getting off Pepper. She’d been rather shrill when he’d deflected.

“It doesn’t matter,” Bruce told him seriously. “As long as it’s behind you.” And that’s right, Bruce had had a gun in his mouth at one point, hadn’t he.

“I was almost kicked off this team before it even existed for being self destructive,” he said, glancing at Natasha, “forgive me if I seem a little sceptical.”

“I...” she said, then paused. After a second, she nodded as though coming to a decision. “The best way to get you to do something is to tell you that you can’t. It wasn’t supposed to go on this long, Fury was supposed to promote you from consultant and explain how it had all been part of his plan, how he’d fooled you into doing exactly as he wanted. It was supposed to be a way of establishing the chain of command. But then everything happened, so he never did.”

“Oh.”

“You’ve always been part of this team, Tony,” Steve said firmly. “We don’t care what happened in your past, unless you do. If it’s something you want to talk about then fine. We’ll talk about it. But otherwise, it’s none of our business.”

“Oh.” He looked at his feet, then forced a smile. “Okay. I’m just... I’m going to...” He flapped a hand and headed back towards the elevator. He’d been expecting a confrontation, and to have them all simply support him like that... it was a little overwhelming.

He locked himself in his workshop.

 

* * *

 

“Sir?”

“Yeah, JARVIS?”

“Are you well?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” Dummy wheeled over and poked and tugged at Tony’s clothes and Tony sighed. He petted Dummy’s claw. “I really am fine.”

“Of course, Sir.”

“Pull up the specs for the new gloves.”

He was fine damn it. 

 

* * *

 

They all came to see him. One by one.

 He should have been expecting it, really. 

* * *

 

Bruce was first, which was more surprising than perhaps it should have been.

“Hey.”

“Bruce.”

“You working on the armour?”

“Yeah.”

“If you want to...”

“I don’t.”

“Okay.” Bruce just sat there and watched for a very long time. Finally, he spoke again. “It was after Harlem for me. After that Abomination was made because of me, all those houses and lives destroyed. And the love of my life finally saw me for what I am. She saw the thing that I could have been.” He laughed a little, but there was no humour in it. Tony didn’t look at him. “I just... I wanted it to be over. I was so _tired._ ”

“So you swallowed a bullet and didn’t die.”

“That’s right.”

“If you think this is the part where I realise how great it is to talk about this shit and spill my guts...”

“No. You don’t have to talk about it. You don’t have to think about it.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.”

“It could have been an accidental overdose.”

“Yes. It could have.”

“It wasn’t. Neither of them were.”

“Okay.”

“It was a long time ago. I’m better now.”

“Okay.”

“What about you?”

“What?”

“Are you better now?”

“I... I guess I am. It’s been a while since I thought about it.”

“Good.”

“Okay.”

Bruce watched for a little while longer, until the tense line of Tony’s back and the stiffness of his movements let him know he was no longer welcome. Then he left, with a reminder that Tony should surface for food and water.

 

* * *

 

Clint came next. He perched on one of the racks Tony stored his tools on.

“I was seventeen too.”

“What?” Tony asked, startling badly and banging his hand against the table. He hadn’t heard Clint come in.

“I was seventeen too.”

“Most people were at one time in their life.”

“I mean, I was seventeen when I tried it too. I thought about it, after Loki. After Phil. But the only time I actually tried was when I was seventeen.”

“You? I mean, Bruce I knew about, but...”

“Yeah.” Clint shook his head and smiled self consciously. He rubbed absently at the exercise band he wore around his left wrist when he wasn’t wearing his arm-guard. “I’d been travelling with the circus since I was eleven. You know that. When I was seventeen, I found out the guy who trained me was embezzling from the circus. I told my brother, but it turns out he was in on it.” He paused. Tony frowned, unsure if he should say anything. Clint spoke again before he could think of anything to say anyway. “So, they cornered me, beat the crap out of me and left me for dead. When I woke up, the circus had moved on, my brother had left me, and I had a $25,000 hospital bill. And no way to even begin to pay it off.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah. It really did. I couldn’t afford pain killers. I was out on the streets. I had no food, no money, only the clothes on my back. I couldn’t get a job with a pot on one arm and another on my leg. I tried begging, because I was too bashed up to steal. And eventually I figured that I was going to die anyway. Might as well be on my own terms. I opened a vein.”

“Messy.”

“Very.” Clint smiled, bittersweet. “Some good natured idiot found me in my alley way. Dragged me to a hospital. Loudmouth named Wade Wilson. Don’t know what happened to him. Never saw him again after that.”

“I’m sorry.” Tony really was. If he’d known Clint back then... well, he probably wouldn’t have done much. He wasn’t a very nice person back then.

“What about you? What was your reason?”

“It wasn’t just one thing.” He put down the glove he was working on, resigned. “It was everything at once. I...” He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fair enough.” Clint vaulted down. “But you need to know that there is nobody here who wouldn’t understand. Who wouldn’t want to be here for you.”

“I get it okay? I do. But this isn’t a big deal. It was years ago, and as far as anyone knows it was accidental. It’s not something I’m freaking out about, and I don’t need everyone coming down here and doing the whole hand holding thing.”

“I get that you’re over it. Fine. Whatever. But you can’t already be over that bitch airing your dirty laundry in front of the whole world.”

“I’ve lived my whole life in front of the whole world. My dad had me out in front of the press before I could sit up.”

“Wow. I’d hate that.”

“Yeah. You get used to it.” He put down the glove a little too hard on the table.

“I guess.” Clint hovered for a moment, before sighing and clapping a hand on Tony’s shoulder. “Look you obviously don’t want to talk about this. So, I’m going to go. Shout if you need anything.”

Tony watched him leave out of the corner of his eye and then relaxed. Too soon, as it turned out.

“He’s right you know.” Tony jumped and swore.

“Damn it Romanov.” He turned to find her sitting calmly on the couch. “How long have you been down here?”

“Long enough. We do understand. All of us.”

“And now it’s your turn to tell me how you tried to kill yourself this one time so you totally understand.”

“I didn’t try to kill myself. I tried to make Clint kill me.”

“What?”He perched on his stool and gave her his full attention. This was actually interesting.

“I was raised in the Red Room. Right after I met Clint for the first time, and we went on a killing spree together, I went back and burned it to the ground. I was tired. I was done. A year of doing nothing but running and fighting and I just stopped. I knew I didn’t want to do that anymore. So, I let slip to a SHIELD agent that I would be in town. Clint’s the one they sent to kill me.”

“I assume he didn’t go through with it.”

“He didn’t. He made a different choice.” She smiled then. “He gave me a different choice.”

“I’m surprised that SHIELD didn’t shoot you anyway and him too just to be safe.”

“They thought about it. If anyone other than Coulson had been Barton’s handler on that op, we’d both be dead. He was pissed, but he listened to Clint and he protected us. He said if anyone was going to kill us it would be him for pulling such a stunt.”

“Did you ever try again?”

“No. I was allowed to do good for the first time in my life. I have too much red in my ledger. I can’t die until I’ve balanced it out a bit more.”

“See, that?” he jabbed the screwdriver he happened to be holding in her direction. “That I understand.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

She didn’t say anything else. She just smiled at him and then stood up and walked out.

 

* * *

 

Tony relaxed when he heard the door close. He rubbed his forehead in frustration. Who next? Steve? Thor?  If Fury came in and tried to have a heart to heart...

His phone rang.  He stared at it for a moment. JARVIS had been rerouting all his calls since the disastrous interview, so this had to be important. He picked up.

“Hey, man.”

“Rhodey. Hi.”

“You doing okay?”

“I’m fine. I take it you saw?”

“Yeah. I got the video emailed to my phone by Pepper.” Tony’s relationship with Rhodes had been strained since the whole ‘dying and didn’t tell anyone’ thing. But it was good to know he still cared. “She thought you might need to talk. She also wanted to know if it was true.”

“What did you tell her?”

“That you overdosed, and that for all I know it was accidental.” Tony let out a long slow breath and let his head fall forward. He rubbed at the back of his neck.

“Thanks.” He closed his eyes. “How did they know about the note?”

“I don’t know. I never told anybody about it. I thought the only other person who knew was Obi.”

“Yeah. He was.” Tony sighed and blinked a couple of times. It was weird thinking about the Obi he’d grown up with after Stane had tried to kill him. Tony was never sure how to reconcile the two images in his head. “But he could have told anyone. Especially since he was trying to make me look crazy after Afghanistan.”

“I guess. How is the team taking it?”

“Weirdly. They keep coming one by one to tell me how they tried to kill themselves one time too. It’s like they think that crippling depression should make us bond or something.”

“Tony.”

“Yeah. They’re okay, I guess. I was expecting a bunch of questions and outrage. Thought maybe they’d bump me back to consultant.  But they’ve actually been great.”

“That’s good. I’d hate to have to kick Captain America’s ass.” Tony smiled, and he thought that Rhodey was maybe smiling too. “Seriously, though. You’re okay?”

“Yeah. I was kind of freaked out earlier, I wasn’t expecting it. But I’m okay.”

“You sober?”

“Yes, actually.”

“Wow.”

“I know. Personal growth or what?”

“Good on you, really, Tony. I’m happy for you.”

“You’re...happy for me? I just had one of my worst moments aired on national television and you’re happy for me?” he sounded more bemused than annoyed.

“I’m serious. You’ve got a team that cares about you. Your company is doing great. You’ve got a great thing going as Iron Man and you’re actually reacting to that bitch like a responsible adult. It wasn’t too long ago that you persuaded me to help you break into Fox News headquarters so you could piss in that bastard’s office after he accused you of being a terrorist.”

“Yeah, that was fun.”  

“It really was.”

“I...” He glanced towards the door and trailed off. “Rhodey, looks like the next one's here to chat about how we’re all psychologically scarred. Talk to you later?”

“Yeah, sure. Call me back when you get a chance.”

“Sure.” He went to hang up.

“Tony,” Rhodey said, his voice serious and low. “I’m proud of you, you know?” Tony had to swallow hard before he could answer.

“Yeah. I know.” For a moment he was back to being the awkward teenager that he’d been when he’d first met Rhodey, so young and desperate for attention. “Thanks.”

“And call me, okay?”

“Okay.” He hung  up and sat there for a moment before turning towards the door and the Norse God who was knocking on it. He waved, and JARVIS opened the door. “Hey, Thor. What’s up?”

“I wish to ask you why you attempted to end your life. But I have been told that that would not be wise.” He looked like a kicked puppy, shoulders hunched and eyes wide.

“It’s not something I like to talk about,” he hedged, gesturing for Thor to sit down.

“I cannot imagine being so desperate as to consider that an option.”

“Yeah, I get that. That’s how it is for most people.” Tony rubbed the back of his neck and forced a smile.

“My brother, he has tried to end himself thus. More than once.” He shook his head. “I do not understand.”

Tony wasn’t sure how to explain things to Thor. Hell, he wasn’t sure he even _wanted_ to explain. Thor’s life had been ideal, his parents loved him, he had friends, he was a prince for Christ’s sake. He wasn’t the sort of person who struggled with decisions, who spent hours agonising over the past. He had never been broken and left alone like the rest of them.

Tony didn’t want to talk about it.

“I can’t really say anything about Loki,” he said. “And I don’t want to talk about me. I can have JARVIS load your tablet with some information, if you want.”

“That would be excellent.”

“JARVIS?”

“Done, sir.”

“If you have questions after reading up on everything, you can come and ask me. I might not answer, but you can ask.” He was trying really hard to deal with all this like a Goddamn adult, and he thought that he was actually doing a pretty good job.

“Thank you, I shall.” He hesitated.

“What?”

“May I ask just one question of you?”

“You can always ask. I just might not answer.”

“Very well. I wish to ask if you still consider ending your life.”

“Oh.” Boy, Thor went straight for the hard ones, didn’t he? “Um...” what was he supposed to say? Yeah, some days the darkness closed in and he found himself disconnecting the Arc Reactor, or looking at a bottle of pills or he stood on the edge of the roof, sans armour. But he hadn’t tried anything in years. Hadn’t even come close since just after Afghanistan. He’d tried to hang himself then. He’d made a noose, hung it from the ceiling, stood on a stool. He’d even had it around his neck when his phone rang and Pepper was telling him he was late for something or other. He’d got down, gone to the meeting or whatever it was, and bought Pepper some new shoes.

“Stark?”

“I think about it,” he said, not looking at Thor. “Sometimes. But it isn’t serious. I wouldn’t try again. It’s not part of my life any more, the way it was back then.”

“I see. Thank you for sharing that with me. We would all be much dismayed to lose you.”

“Feeling’s mutual, big guy.” He clapped Thor’s meaty shoulder and the bigger man left.

 

* * *

 

Tony turned around on his stool so he was facing the worktop again. He picked up the gauntlet he’d been working on and just held it for a long moment, staring into the middle distance.

He really hadn’t thought about killing himself in a long time. He’d been doing so well. He hadn’t even thought about it when Pepper said she couldn’t be his girlfriend any more. She’d been crying and he’d been desperate, but he hadn’t thought about a permanent way out. It’s different when you have people who actual care if you live or die. It’s part of the reason he’d stopped being such a...well, call a spade a spade, a fuck up. It’s one thing to drink himself to oblivion and pull pranks or sleep around when it’s just himself he’s hurting. It’s another thing entirely when other people are actually affected by the crap he pulls.

He’s not perfect, not by a long way. He’s probably not even healthy, but he is trying.

 

* * *

 

It takes Cap an hour after Thor left to show up.

“Hey. I wondered when you’d get here. Everyone else has been down to see me.”

“I figured they would.” Steve shook his head and came over to sit on the edge of the work top near Tony. “I also figured you probably wanted your space.”

“Everyone seems convinced I need to hear their tragic back-story just because some reporter told everyone mine.” He shrugged. “I get that other people have been through shit. They don’t have to tell me. I’m doing okay.”

“I know you are.”

“It was years ago.”

“I know that too.”

“I was seventeen.” He just started talking, the words just falling out of him. It was as though he’d been waiting for this, maybe for years. “My parents had died. I was away at college, getting my master’s. Well, getting my masters and getting drunk and high. The only person who treated me like a human being was Rhodey and he had graduated and gone back into the army. I graduated high school a few years early and...  well, doesn’t matter. Then Obi shows up. You don’t know about Obi, probably. He was my Dad’s best friend. He practically raised me. He came to my science fairs and graduations when my own father was too busy, usually looking for you.”

“Tony...”

“No. I know it’s not fair, but it’s part of it. Obi came to those things, but he always wanted something. It took him trying to kill me for me to realise that.” He snorted. “I was that desperate for a little attention. Anyway, Obi showed up at the college and he told me I had to grow up. Stop messing around. I thought he meant the drugs and stuff, told him where to go. He told me not to be an idiot. That he’d keep me supplied with cocaine if I would just show up to class and graduate.”

“What?”

“I know,” Tony laughed. “It’s fucked up, right? Now I can see that. He just wanted me to graduate and start working for the family business, designing weapons for him. Dad’s will said I couldn’t take over until I was twenty one and had at least a master’s. So, Obi was in charge and he wanted me to make him look good. He told me to shape up and then left again.”

“I’m so sorry, Tony.”

“It’s not your fault. You weren’t there.” He shook his head. “I tried so hard. I went to all my lectures, I did my assignments. But I was so alone. No one wanted anything to do with me unless they wanted sex or money.” He shook his head. “So, one night, I went to a party. I drank too much. I did a little coke. I had sex with a few strangers. At least, that’s what I’m assuming happened. I don’t really remember much. At some point I remember someone pushing me around, making fun of me. Saying I was only at MIT because I paid for it. Or maybe sucked someone off, because everyone knew that was all I was good for. I’m not sure exactly what happened next. I just remember being back at my dorm alone. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to stop feeling like that.”

“So you overdosed.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Someone at the party was worried about me, called the police and an ambulance. You know, I still have no idea who saved my life.”

“I wish you knew who it was. I owe them a lot.” Steve smiled, but it looked strained. “The second time?”

“The second time is more complicated. I’d graduated and I’d been working for my dad’s company and Obi for a about year. Rhodey still wasn’t around much, but he always made time to call me.  Once a week, we’d just sit and talk on the phone, no matter what. Then he ended up getting injured in a ‘training exercise’.” He made air quotes around the phrase. “I’d designed the body armour he was wearing. He was hurt and it was my fault because it wasn’t good enough.”

“Tony, that’s not true.”

“I know that now.” And he did, although he still didn’t believe it. “I’d been working constantly, barely sleeping, barely eating, cranking out designs for Obi. He’d kept his promise and kept me supplied with whatever I asked for, no matter how illegal. I don’t think I saw anyone but him for months at a time. I thought he was trying to help me. That he wanted me to help the company. He said he just wanted what was best for me and I believed him.” He shook his head, and laughed a little. “Rhodey was hurt and I was messed up and I couldn’t fix him. I was sure it was my fault. That I wasn’t good enough and that’s why he’d been hurt.”

“So you tried to kill yourself? Tony, that should never be an acceptable answer.”

“I know that. Logically, I know that. But you can’t tell me you haven’t been tempted to eat a bit of lead since you woke up and your whole world had ended.”

Steve didn’t say anything for a long moment.

“I haven’t... wanting to die has never been something that...it was never an option. People have always depended on me. My mom, Bucky, other kids at the orphanage. The Howling Commandos. Now you and the others.” He paused again, wetting his lips and taking a deep breath. “I have thought about it. About how much easier it would be. But I’ve never taken the easy way out in my life. Hell, I was born breech.”

“Really?” Tony smiled at that.

“Really.” Steve smiled again and this time it looked a little more real. “I know you aren’t going to take the easy way out now. I know you’re not going to try and kill yourself again. I trust you, Tony.”

“I trust you too.”

“Good.” Cap smiled. “Now, come on. Clint’s making tacos.”

They left the past behind them, and headed upstairs to the future.

 

 


End file.
